Autism and Marriage: When Parents Disagree

Message from Dr. Autumn Flick

Over the past decades, I’ve watched marriages strain over differing parenting styles, perceptions of a child’s needs, and the level of support required. I’ve sat in homes amid parents arguing, and my heart breaks each time.

As a parent myself, I understand how easily conflicts can arise over differences in parenting approaches. An autism diagnosis compounds these pressures as each parent grapples with their own feelings of guilt, grief, and unmet expectations. Our children with autism need us to present a united front. There are so many celebrations to be had and much joy to experience. I pray every family finds unity rather than division.

Parents often handle an autism diagnosis differently, and those differences turn into conflict. Here are strategies to help you and your spouse work together.

Strategies for Resolving Conflicts

1. Put Your Marriage First:

   • Schedule Weekly Check-ins: Set aside time each week to openly discuss each other’s needs, concerns, and feelings. Regular check-ins help both partners feel heard.

   • Weekly Date Night: Commit to a weekly date, even if it’s something simple like coffee before the kids wake up or a lunch date during a break in your day. It gives you time together and a break from parenting duties.

   • Plan a Vacation Without the Kids: Take time to reconnect as a couple by scheduling a vacation or a weekend getaway. [Orchid can provide guidance on finding respite care so your child is well cared for while you’re away.]

2. Avoid Negative Interactions:

   • Avoid Blaming and Shaming: Steer clear of blame and shame as they only escalate conflicts.

   • Refrain from Comparisons: Avoid comparing your child or parenting style with other families. This even means comparing strategies that work with one child within the family to the child diagnosed with autism who may need different strategies to be successful.

3. Use Professional Resources:

   • Counseling: Consider therapy for individuals or couples to manage emotional stresses better and improve communication.

   • Parenting Workshops: Attend workshops that provide strategies for parenting children with autism.

4. Establish Parenting Partnerships:

   • Divide Responsibilities: Assign specific caregiving and household tasks to avoid confusion and overlap.

   • Attend IEP Meetings and Meetings with Your BCBA Together: Going together means both parents hear the same information and both have a say in decisions. If you’re preparing for a school meeting, use our Washington IEP guide to agree on questions beforehand.

5. Manage Stress:

   • Take Time for Self-Care: Engage in activities that reduce stress to avoid burnout.

   • Support Each Other’s Well-being: Encourage and support each other to take breaks, exercise, and recharge.

6. Open Communication:

   • Practice Active Listening: Listen to each other’s concerns without interrupting.

   • Express Your Needs Clearly: Use “I” statements to articulate your feelings and needs without assigning blame.

7. Seek Common Ground:

   • Focus on Shared Goals: Remind yourselves of the shared goal: your child’s well-being. Discuss and align on objectives to achieve together.

   • Agree to Disagree: Accept that differing opinions are natural and focus on finding compromise where possible.

If you want help finding respite care so the two of you can get time together, ask your Orchid team.